Attempted to make a gourmet meal. Ended up with charcoal. The smoke alarm is my only witness.

Attempted a soufflé. Now my kitchen looks like a science experiment gone wrong. Send fire extinguisher.

Attempted to make a 'simple' cake. It now resembles a burnt offering to the kitchen gods.

Attempted to bake a cake. It now resembles a burnt frisbee. Nailed it.

Tried making a 'gourmet' grilled cheese. Ended up with a charcoal brick and a smoke alarm concert.

Tried to bake a cake, ended up with a charcoal briquette. Send help.

Attempted gourmet. Ended up with a charcoal briquette that used to be dinner. Send pizza.