Saw someone doing bicep curls in the squat rack. I almost called the police.

Leg day: where my will to live goes to die, then gets resurrected as pure soreness.

Me at the gym: 'I'm a fitness guru!' Also me: 'Is this machine for sitting?'

My team won. I'm getting a tattoo. My team lost. I'm burning my house down.

My team loses: 'Fire everyone! This is unacceptable!' My team wins: 'I knew it all along!'

My team won. I'm pretty sure I just screamed so loud my neighbors called the cops. Worth it.

My team scores: 'WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!' My team concedes: 'FIRE EVERYONE! THIS IS A DISGRACE!'