Gym bro spotting me like his life depends on it. Sir, it's 5lb dumbbells.

Me at the gym: 'I'm a fitness guru!' Also me: 'Is this machine for sitting?'

My team scores: 'WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!' My team concedes: 'FIRE EVERYONE! THIS IS A DISGRACE!'

My team won. I'm getting a tattoo. My team lost. I'm burning my jersey. #SportsFans

Leg day: where my will to live goes to die, then gets resurrected as pure soreness.

My team scores: 'WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!' My team misses: 'FIRE EVERYONE! THIS IS A DISGRACE!'

My team won. I'm getting a tattoo. My team lost. I'm burning my house down.